Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Dumbazz History 101

This had to be a marketing ploy by a bunch of divorce lawyers at a convention hiding from their wives (or more likely ex-wives) and drinking way too many “brown pops”, but back in the day, there were lots of good old boys that truly believed this philosophy. Thank goodness sanity prevailed, well at least by some. No I am not a woman nor do I design clothes for them or not watch football and NASCAR and other stuff the good old boys hold sacred but I believe I hold all people a lot more sacred than these dumbazzes did.

I went to university but that didn’t really make me much smarter other than being a good observer. I happened to have lived in a co-ed residence where I gained great respect for the opposite sex since I did not have any sisters in my family. And I quickly learned that you cannot “train” any good woman to do your lazy-ass-bidding in even a gazillion lessons. What you can do is create an environment of mutual respect and trust and get rewarded in ways you never even imagined. I’m still single because I haven’t figured that out real well yet but I think I am finally getting it.

Let’s examine the “doctrine” these dumbazzes preached in the flyers that surely existed in real life. Someone actually made these up and I think later switched to other marketing ploys (since this failed miserably) with flyers like that and they knock on your door and act all cheery and stuff and try to force their own dumbazz doctrine on you.

The key is you do not force anyone to do anything in real life. You get them to see your viewpoint through lots of discussion about their viewpoint and then you find common ground and work from there. And there is another keyword, work, since a dumbazz does not know how or like to do that.

·       Fetch your slippers and pipe. Since he can’t or doesn’t know how to train a dog how to do this, he thinks he can actually get a human being to do that. The dog isn’t dumb either. Actually he is smarter than these dumbazzes.

·       Massage your feet. Might happen if you massage hers after she has taken care of all the really hard things she does all day long while you only “work” but maybe 3 hours a day at best. The rest of the time you are telling “fishing” stories around the water cooler, mostly with your other good old boys and telling more lies about “the little woman” that you would never tell to her face.

·       Serve you ice cold beer and snacks. That is another wish list item because, despite hours and hours of practice, you can’t even get it right at the old boys watering hole since the waitresses all know your game and know how to work you out of lots of that so-called hard earned money you make at the good old boys workshop (where not much real work goes on).

·      Sit quietly while you browse your favorite television stations. Actually she is sleeping mostly during those boring shows and watches important stuff without you because you can’t understand what is going on because the meaning is too difficult for your dumbazz mind. (Notice favorite is not written with a u, so no Canadian wrote that flyer and I can breathe a sigh of relief on that one. I think Canada has a lower rate of dumbazzes than most other countries in the world)

·      Respond to non-verbal cues, such as the snapping of fingers. This one is actually true and will work just fine, but not for the dumbazz. You will see her response all right, in the form of all manner of projectiles thrown by an arm with more control than Sandy Koufax and you will learn new blue words you never heard in the good old boys locker room. Heaven help you if she is packing anything sold that has to be kept under lock and key.

·       Answer “Yes, dear” to any and all requests. She WILL use two words but that is not them, well she will at least start with those two and if you are smart you will learn how to use thank you in every sentence you say to her, if you are truly smart (to get the attention of a dumbazz, try repeating what you said, often, if you are truly smart).

·       Greet you at the door wearing nothing but cellophane wrap (see flyer at top for their spelling). See it is a dumbazz writing this, since everyone else knows you spell that word with two l’s (ells, in case the dumbazzes can’t figure out that is not number one cause they can’t count higher than that or see that they are not number one).

You know they must have had mind-altering drugs back in the day in beer in the 50’s when this kind of flyer came out of Dumbazz Publishing House. There really can be no other explanation. And thankfully, some of us didn’t prescribe to Dumbazz Doctorial Teaching 101. But what I still wrestle with is how truly smart women spend ANY time with graduates of the old boys’ school. I have to be missing something in the equation but I am not going to hurt my head trying to figure it out.

Instead I will still try to find a woman (actually I think they find you) who wants a loyal and trusting partner that will give her the attention and caring she so truly wants but first I would have to displace that type of woman’s pet dog since they already do all of that without all the “bullshit” attached to the old boys’ dumbazz doctrine. There is a lot less to clean up after with just a dog.

I think the trick is to actually talk to each other about all the important things in life and come to a mutually agreed upon compromise on what is truly important. If you think being a couch potato that gets served at your bidding is a good way to go, well you will eventually just be a very big and fat piece of something that will just be good for nothing but flower food. That’s not a very rewarding way to go out. Try communicating with the meaningful other half of your relationship and you just might figure it out before they sing “Go Rest High on that Mountain” to you. Life is short and gets better if you learn how to share it properly with others.

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