Monday, October 20, 2014

He Has Your Eyes

New grandmothers, aunts and other female family members must all be on crack at the first sight of the latest addition to their family kinfolks. It certainly seems that way because they talk in a manner that they seldom ever used in the presence of that family. Normally they are all bossy like a drill sergeant getting troops ready for the next military training session but now they get all high pitched and musical with their “coochie, coochie, cooo” and “bless Patsy, he’s sooooooo cute”.

And then they start to comparing the precious little new one’s features to the new momma’s ones like “He’s got your eyes and nose, baby”. This might lead to the new momma checking out to see if hers are still there since she pretty much felt that the new one kind of took a lot more on the way out of her during that long birth session that went on forever and forever. “Junior just didn’t want to go and he was grabbing on to anything he could get his cute little hands on going out of the chute. I asked the doctor where the hell did he take all that stuff ‘cause it ain’t there no more or at least feels like it”.

And the in-laws now all do the comparison one-uppity style like with that same high pitched and musical tone like before “Ohhhh, he looks just like his daddy” which gets the new momma thinking “What he’s two foot tall, has next to no hair, a penis the size of my pinkie and smiles when he farts (well OK the last two are probably true)”. 

The new daddy might as well have one that size or not at all because after that “sperience” momma is not letting him anywhere near her for the next long while. “Get your trouser snake away from me, that thing is nothing but trouble and I just get a whole heap of pain for months on end. You already proved to me you are a pain in the ass, and now you want to spread it all over my body like a big tub of margarine. Not on my watch. Noooooooo”.

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