New grandmothers, aunts and other female family members must
all be on crack at the first sight of the latest addition to their family
kinfolks. It certainly seems that way because they talk in a manner that they
seldom ever used in the presence of that family. Normally they are all bossy
like a drill sergeant getting troops ready for the next military training
session but now they get all high pitched and musical with their “coochie,
coochie, cooo” and “bless Patsy, he’s sooooooo cute”.
And then they start to comparing the precious little new one’s
features to the new momma’s ones like “He’s got your eyes and nose, baby”.
This might lead to the new momma checking out to see if hers are still there
since she pretty much felt that the new one kind of took a lot more on the way
out of her during that long birth session that went on forever and forever. “Junior
just didn’t want to go and he was grabbing on to anything he could get his cute little hands on going out of the chute. I asked the doctor where the hell did
he take all that stuff ‘cause it ain’t there no more or at least feels like it”.
And the in-laws now all do the comparison one-uppity style
like with that same high pitched and musical tone like before “Ohhhh, he looks
just like his daddy” which gets the new momma thinking “What he’s two foot
tall, has next to no hair, a penis the size of my pinkie and smiles when he
farts (well OK the last two are probably true)”.
The new daddy might as well
have one that size or not at all because after that “sperience” momma is not
letting him anywhere near her for the next long while. “Get your trouser snake
away from me, that thing is nothing but trouble and I just get a whole heap of
pain for months on end. You already proved to me you are a pain in the ass, and
now you want to spread it all over my body like a big tub of margarine. Not on
my watch. Noooooooo”.
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