Good Idears

A lot of Facebook posts most always seem to tickle my fancy and start the day off on a good note. Here are some of my favourite off-the-wall guidelines for living a happy life that are inspired by these posts. The real key is to never take things too seriously and you will just be fine. Laughter is a very strong medicine and is absolutely free.

…so why they hell are you so serious all the time!!

Silence is better than bullshit.

Pizza, beer, chocolate and ice cream make up the four essential food groups. (Your alcohol preference may vary and you can substitute your own there).

If it ain’t broke, then why the hell are you tryin’ to fix it!!

A regular oil change keeps everything running smoothly, and does as well in your car or truck.

If a man is in the forest, and there is no woman present, is he still wrong? (The reason why men go hunting I think is just to give their brain a rest from trying to figure out women)

Duct tape may one day be found to be the cure for cancer.

The middle finger has only one purpose.

We all would be better human beings if we treated each other like we do our dogs.

Pain is nature’s way of telling you that you messed up.

If at first you don’t succeed, then go get another beer (you may substitute here as well).

We are all dead for a very, very long time. No need to rush to be flower food.

So learn how to enjoy life and do your best to laugh with someone, not at them. You will amaze yourself at how attractive that type of person is to you and they will want to return the favour in kind. It doesn't cost anything to be nice to someone, but it sure does pay off handsomely.

He Has Your Eyes

New grandmothers, aunts and other female family members must all be on crack at the first sight of the latest addition to their family kinfolks. It certainly seems that way because they talk in a manner that they seldom ever used in the presence of that family. Normally they are all bossy like a drill sergeant getting troops ready for the next military training session but now they get all high pitched and musical with their “coochie, coochie, cooo” and “bless Patsy, he’s sooooooo cute”.

And then they start to comparing the precious little new one’s features to the new momma’s ones like “He’s got your eyes and nose, baby”. This might lead to the new momma checking out to see if hers are still there since she pretty much felt that the new one kind of took a lot more on the way out of her during that long birth session that went on forever and forever. “Junior just didn’t want to go and he was grabbing on to anything he could get his cute little hands on going out of the chute. I asked the doctor where the hell did he take all that stuff ‘cause it ain’t there no more or at least feels like it”.

And the in-laws now all do the comparison one-uppity style like with that same high pitched and musical tone like before “Ohhhh, he looks just like his daddy” which gets the new momma thinking “What he’s two foot tall, has next to no hair, a penis the size of my pinkie and smiles when he farts (well OK the last two are probably true)”. 

The new daddy might as well have one that size or not at all because after that “sperience” momma is not letting him anywhere near her for the next long while. “Get your trouser snake away from me, that thing is nothing but trouble and I just get a whole heap of pain for months on end. You already proved to me you are a pain in the ass, and now you want to spread it all over my body like a big tub of margarine. Not on my watch. Noooooooo”.

My New Family Must All Be Drunk

...Gollybills, what in tarnation are y’all writin’ ‘bout NOW?
…pay attention girl, there may be questions after.
…and for you folks outside the immediate family, you might learn somethin’ important by areadin’ this stuff

The family dinner might include cod cheeks, pizza, cornbread, snag done on the barbee, red salmon, whisky grilled baby back ribs and golabki (pronounced go wompki) and Fosters, Canadian and Budweiser might be served there with some Vodka slime and Angry Orchard Hard Cider for those that don’t want beer and ginger ale, Dew or Coke for those that have long drives ahead of them or the young’uns. You might need more than one bathroom for all of these folks, too, in case they need to go on a mission.

Let me introduce them to you, or at least some of them since some are also underage and don’t get us older folks in our family. We exist online in a game we all play within our alliance aka alli. I never use real names in stories so the head of the family happens to be from Australia so she is MissAussie (New South Wales, Australia) and she is more like group moderator and works with our unwritten doctrine that we are all equal really.

Then there is MrInAlaska (lives in Alaska, USA), MissBCneeNewfie (formerly from Newfoundland and now resides in British Columbia, Canada), MrBCneeMaritimer (formerly from Nova Scotia and now resides in British Columbia, Canada), MissBama (lives in Alabama, USA) and me, MrCanook (lives in Ontario, Canada).

Each of us, at any given time, has wondered if one of the family members might have had too much to drink. You see it all revolves around what families really do best and that is have fun around the dinner table. And it all became very clear when one of the members sort of started asking if one of the others was OK and then the first one got on private chat and asked if everything was alright with me. You see some of us joined from another game and were in another family where one member was an aunt (oh did I spell that wrong again) and the leader we did not much care for the way she ran the household. So we moved out eventually in search of a new family.

So those folks kind of knew me a little differently and the way I was acting in the new family would surely make you think I WAS drunk. Well it is mostly MissBama’s fault (just kidding, I love to kid her) since we became friends really quite recently and we like to joke around and talk like hicks sometimes and also talk like Ricky and Lucy Ricardo and she is Ricky and I am Lucy. So you have more reason to think that we are drunk. You see I don’t spell out words fully anymore and sometimes used hick language so it does look like I am goofy drunk (I don’t understand what you are saying to me might be written “I doen unnerstan what y’all r sayin’ to me”). Simply put I was a lot more conservative and boring before and my approach to fun was more reserved.

You see it is hard to judge that state (are you drunk) in a person in our alliance chat window where we go loose on one another. If you happen to walk into the middle of the conversation, well you might think they are all drunk. The simple truth is we are all kind of high on life right now and we are having so much fun that we act like drunkards at times. And we are a tight family as MissBama kind of summed up when MissAussie asked about what she thought of us moving to another location in the game. She simply responded with “I go w/mfamly”. (I will go with my family for you dumbazzes that don’t understand southern charm).

So the family is evolving and learning (alarnin’) more about each other each day and we are not perfect. I have 3 pairs of varying degrees of invisible waders that I wear on occasions when I step into various depths of piles of warm, stinky, sticky stuff that I get into trouble on purpose to add to the fun. The last pair is a full body suit made out of Kevlar, carbon fiber and ballistic nylon and I do have fun when I am wearing those.

So we are all good and nobody is going to be taken away by the folks wearing white suits but what is really nice about this family is that folks are concerned enough to think you might need help.

And if you are thinking of joining our family well you better not be anal or tight down in that region (no true Scotsmen need apply) and if you can’t take a joke well you are definitely in the wrong room. We are not a powerful family in the sense of the game itself yet (war game on the ocean) but we are truly powerful where it really matters and that is in the heart. We have lots of that to go around and when you are happy, happy, happy most of the time well it would certainly appear that these folks are all drunk.

And we have one drunk uncle in our family that will drink to just about anything and maybe that is why he has to ask are you folks drunk because he can’t see the trees for the forest sometimes but we all love him and pick on him as much as we can.

…he’s just a big ol’ teddy bar
…nobody here is acrazy, just a little loopy and proud of it!!!!

Yes it is hard to figure out who is talking because just like any country family dinner, everyone is talking all at the same time because they just get excited and want to share everything with everybody all at the same time.

...so yeppers, we all unnerstan why Y’all think we are drunk ‘cause I guess we are lmtfo (laugh my tail feathers off)
…we are all gonna’ be dead for a very long, long time so lighten up and have some fun with friends
…I do like Go Rest High on that Mountain by Vince Gill but I ain’t in no hurry to have it sung to me in a room full of folks all dressed like Johnny Cash. I’ma havin’ tooooo much fun!!!!

…and MissBama does not say tarnation but gollybills, she does use gollybills more often than not.

Dumbazz History 101

This had to be a marketing ploy by a bunch of divorce lawyers at a convention hiding from their wives (or more likely ex-wives) and drinking way too many “brown pops”, but back in the day, there were lots of good old boys that truly believed this philosophy. Thank goodness sanity prevailed, well at least by some. No I am not a woman nor do I design clothes for them or not watch football and NASCAR and other stuff the good old boys hold sacred but I believe I hold all people a lot more sacred than these dumbazzes did.

I went to university but that didn’t really make me much smarter other than being a good observer. I happened to have lived in a co-ed residence where I gained great respect for the opposite sex since I did not have any sisters in my family. And I quickly learned that you cannot “train” any good woman to do your lazy-ass-bidding in even a gazillion lessons. What you can do is create an environment of mutual respect and trust and get rewarded in ways you never even imagined. I’m still single because I haven’t figured that out real well yet but I think I am finally getting it.

Let’s examine the “doctrine” these dumbazzes preached in the flyers that surely existed in real life. Someone actually made these up and I think later switched to other marketing ploys (since this failed miserably) with flyers like that and they knock on your door and act all cheery and stuff and try to force their own dumbazz doctrine on you.

The key is you do not force anyone to do anything in real life. You get them to see your viewpoint through lots of discussion about their viewpoint and then you find common ground and work from there. And there is another keyword, work, since a dumbazz does not know how or like to do that.

·       Fetch your slippers and pipe. Since he can’t or doesn’t know how to train a dog how to do this, he thinks he can actually get a human being to do that. The dog isn’t dumb either. Actually he is smarter than these dumbazzes.

·       Massage your feet. Might happen if you massage hers after she has taken care of all the really hard things she does all day long while you only “work” but maybe 3 hours a day at best. The rest of the time you are telling “fishing” stories around the water cooler, mostly with your other good old boys and telling more lies about “the little woman” that you would never tell to her face.

·       Serve you ice cold beer and snacks. That is another wish list item because, despite hours and hours of practice, you can’t even get it right at the old boys watering hole since the waitresses all know your game and know how to work you out of lots of that so-called hard earned money you make at the good old boys workshop (where not much real work goes on).

·      Sit quietly while you browse your favorite television stations. Actually she is sleeping mostly during those boring shows and watches important stuff without you because you can’t understand what is going on because the meaning is too difficult for your dumbazz mind. (Notice favorite is not written with a u, so no Canadian wrote that flyer and I can breathe a sigh of relief on that one. I think Canada has a lower rate of dumbazzes than most other countries in the world)

·      Respond to non-verbal cues, such as the snapping of fingers. This one is actually true and will work just fine, but not for the dumbazz. You will see her response all right, in the form of all manner of projectiles thrown by an arm with more control than Sandy Koufax and you will learn new blue words you never heard in the good old boys locker room. Heaven help you if she is packing anything sold that has to be kept under lock and key.

·       Answer “Yes, dear” to any and all requests. She WILL use two words but that is not them, well she will at least start with those two and if you are smart you will learn how to use thank you in every sentence you say to her, if you are truly smart (to get the attention of a dumbazz, try repeating what you said, often, if you are truly smart).

·       Greet you at the door wearing nothing but cellophane wrap (see flyer at top for their spelling). See it is a dumbazz writing this, since everyone else knows you spell that word with two l’s (ells, in case the dumbazzes can’t figure out that is not number one cause they can’t count higher than that or see that they are not number one).

You know they must have had mind-altering drugs back in the day in beer in the 50’s when this kind of flyer came out of Dumbazz Publishing House. There really can be no other explanation. And thankfully, some of us didn’t prescribe to Dumbazz Doctorial Teaching 101. But what I still wrestle with is how truly smart women spend ANY time with graduates of the old boys’ school. I have to be missing something in the equation but I am not going to hurt my head trying to figure it out.

Instead I will still try to find a woman (actually I think they find you) who wants a loyal and trusting partner that will give her the attention and caring she so truly wants but first I would have to displace that type of woman’s pet dog since they already do all of that without all the “bullshit” attached to the old boys’ dumbazz doctrine. There is a lot less to clean up after with just a dog.

I think the trick is to actually talk to each other about all the important things in life and come to a mutually agreed upon compromise on what is truly important. If you think being a couch potato that gets served at your bidding is a good way to go, well you will eventually just be a very big and fat piece of something that will just be good for nothing but flower food. That’s not a very rewarding way to go out. Try communicating with the meaningful other half of your relationship and you just might figure it out before they sing “Go Rest High on that Mountain” to you. Life is short and gets better if you learn how to share it properly with others.

Comparing Alaska, Australia and the Continental USA

What triggered this story for me was the fact that I am currently playing in an online game with people that reside in these geographical locations and I happen to live in Canada. I certainly did not know that much about the relative geographical numbers but was equally amazed that neither did the other players in our “family”. So, as per usual, I start to google like crazy and get the research going on these because it peaks my curiosity and I always learn some really interesting “water cooler” conversation.

The continental USA is sometimes referred to as the lower 48 and thus does not include Alaska and Hawaii in that grouping. Turns out that Australia will just fit inside that region if you could actually do that. Alaska is roughly 1/5^th the size of either of those land masses (which totally surprised me, I thought it was smaller).  And Alaska actually has a larger coastline than the entire lower 48. Canada is about 25% larger than Australia or the lower 48. Populations (2013) are .735M (Alaska), 315 M (lower 48), 23M (Australia) and 35M (Canada). Try comparing Great Britain in size to the lower 48 if you want a big surprise.

And we were sharing current weather forecasts for the day in each of our countries. One of the other players lives in Alabama, one in Alaska, one in New South Wales, Australia and me in Ontario, Canada. It happens to be early in October and 81, 40, 81, and 63 are going to be the highs for the next day, Monday. It is of course early fall for the three North American locations and early spring for the Australian location. And each country has the pattern of 4 seasons but they are less extreme in Alabama and NSW but these two have much hotter summers, for example.

But what is more important in all of this, is our passion for having fun in our new “family” and even if we could hear all the different accents and fully understand the cultural differences, none of this really mattered much, other than having fun. The Internet is bringing people all over the world much closer to each other and if we focused more on having fun with each other than slamming all of our differences in tabloid and paparazzi or shock value photos, well the world would indeed be a better place. It is very hard to battle with people you really like. Eventually, you become even closer friends as one pair of folks has done so in the “game” after one was pummelling the other constantly.

I actually had a tough time finding the right spelling for paparazzi. Even googling “assholes who take pictures of celebrities in private conditions” didn’t work but I guess google just does not like to deal with brutal honesty.

I just call them as I see them and would like to take pictures of them and post them to tabloid media just to show them what it is like. I guess you can’t see much when your head is stuck inside where the son doesn’t shine. 

I think the laws need to change there much like threatening someone with a loaded gun since they both do a lot of damage if uncontrolled in the hands of a dumbazz. The camera or gun is not capable of harm until that character puts his/her hands on it, so camera or gun control is not the answer but dumbazzes in government don’t get it.

Apparently, they have the same viewing point as the paparazzi and must not have any sense of smell either.

Anyone for Dumbazz Control?? Not likely to happen because that is called self-control and the paparazzi and government seem to think they are beyond that.

Quantifying Someone Else’s Personality

Some would argue that you can't put a number on a personality. Still, I am attempting to show a way to "measure" someone else's personality traits in the context of how you perceive them, using your own values as a reference. It is also intended to account for the fact that these traits are dynamic and will change over time. 

All the studies I took on the subject, in the past, always seem to try to put them into a fixed box and I had a great deal of difficulty accepting that notion especially when I put it in reference to friends who seem to demonstrate a tendency to have shifts in the traits from one time or another and, being male, noticed that to be even more prevalent on how the opposite sex reacted to me with pretty much the same conditions in place on my side.

And when I look at the image at the top, I find I fit into all the boxes now quite a lot, and maybe that is a sign that, as you get older, you can develop a more well-rounded personality and jump in and out of it as the situation dictates. Some days I find myself more one type than the other, and the same is true about the time of day.

I suggest the scale depicted here, with coloured bars denoting two personality traits and how comfortable or uncomfortable I am with those in the other person. The first one shows I'm comfortable with number 1 but not with number 2. And since I don't like the concept of a fixed position or box, they are relative to mine and have many degrees or levels of intensity, much like a gradient scale has.

So Number 1 could be Cooperative/Uncooperative and Number 2 could be Respectful/Disrespectful in the measure below. I am extremely comfortable with the first (very cooperative) and not so with how they show respect for others (quite disrespectful). So you would have to decide how important each trait is and perhaps put them into a hierarchy, either mentally or in hard-copy versions for business use.

Now, some are saying, "Why would you do this, and what purpose does it serve?" Well, the Internet seems to have spawned several problems in communicating with others, in that it is quite sterile in how it handles human contact. You do not sense the same things in a conversation with others in a chat window like you would face-to-face. You certainly can't get their body language (without video help). Voice inflections and accents would be mostly muted or difficult to convey, and their mood is very hard to discern as well. ALL CAPS can be seen as anger, shouting, or rudeness, and as very happy if mixed, as in the phrase "you are wonderful TYVM".

So you might be involved in a group discussion with people from many countries (and business is facing this now, since so many are worldwide), and you want to assess someone as a new member of that group and identify the desirable traits you all want in that candidate. This measurement scale, depicted above, can help set reference points for the parties to share and agree on where they see the "candidate" fitting on each trait. A sales manager in Quebec, Canada, can work with the Marketing Department in Atlanta, Georgia, USA, to understand how an effective advertising program would work in that part of Canada, using personality scales to drive the point home.

The reason a lot of US-based operations (and, for that matter, the rest of Canada) fail so badly in the province of Quebec is that they fail to understand the significant differences in personality between the two, and a lot of hard work goes all for naught. They try to force their own approach on one that does not accept it the same way, and it ends up being much like the "Talk louder and slower" approach to speaking to a "foreigner" that some Americans use abroad. It just doesn't work, leaving a sour taste in the "foreigners'" mouths, and they grow to dislike each other instead of trying to work out their communication and personality differences. I had extensive hands-on exposure to this in action, and it is a reality that isn't limited to that locale. Add other languages into the mix, religion, and lots more miles, and it gets even more complex, and the Internet largely ignores these important differences.

Understanding others is sort of a passion with me, and I take great pride in getting better and better at it. I have been told that I should work as a diplomat because of how I approach others in potentially contentious environments. Still, the truth is, if you tick me off long enough, you get both barrels, backed by an Uzi, a bazooka, or a tank, depending on how inflexible the other person gets. A dynamic personality can jump from one end of the scale to the other in a short period if the right conditions arise, which can help explain why someone calm and very cooperative can switch very quickly. Simply put, someone just really "pissed them off" in a big way, so you get the brunt of your actions back. That is honesty/dishonesty in action and can even go hard left on the scale, which some see as going overboard, but it can also be perceived as "straight-shooting". 

Sometimes agreeing to disagree and walking away is the best way to deal with these situations, and using that personality trait measuring system helps tell you how far apart each of you is from one another. You can either let the sleeping dogs lie or undo the leashes and let them go frolic in the fields and have a party. I like the second one a lot more, thank you.

How I am Learning a New Language

Actually it would sound more like How-I’mah LARN-nin a-newLANG-widge. It is in fact English but the one that comes out of the mouths of folks living in the Deep South or, as another friend calls it, ‘Merica. And please note that I am not talking down to the manner in which they speak, I am merely pointing out how very different it sounds to me since I grew up in the greater Toronto area of Ontario in Canada.

I met my friend who lives in Alabama and has roots in Louisiana, as well, on the Internet playing an online game and it evolved into online chat sessions that soon also included quite extensive long distance conversations with her. I quickly realized something I never really thought of before as to how chat room sessions leave out a very important part of the message and that is the flair of the local culture of the person on the other side of the somewhat sterilized verbal banter you do in those windows. Simply stated, most everyone sounds the same to you as the way you speak.

But nothing could be further from the truth as the first telephone conversation made so clear because it was not at all clear to me. It wasn’t because of any electronic interference or line noise because in today’s world that is pretty much non-existent. You can actually hear the pregnant pauses in a telephone conversation which are sometimes just the precursor to a dead connection, so I have found out. Unlimited long distance plans coupled with redial make that not much of problem.

The lack of clarity (as I now realize) had more to do with the fact that it was much later in the day and anyone can be drowsy or very relaxed that their local dialect becomes even stronger and so the difference between my dialect and hers becomes even greater. So there we were me talking in what she described as “it was like I was back in school in English class again with that perfect English the teacher wanted us to use”. (I am not even gonna attempt the drawl at this point). And I pretty much didn’t understand much of anything that she was saying but I am thankful we persevered.

So I now have a much greater appreciation for something I kept hearing growing up in a largely Italian district of Toronto with me not being of that descent (my parents both arrived in Canada at a very young age from their native Poland in very separate ways). The comment was that northern and southern Italians really have a tough time understanding each other because the dialects are so different and that can even be said of others in the next valley or region. Not any different than Canada to Alabama as sure as this dumb boot found out. (Yah I know I’m not a dumb boot or dumb azz but I sure felt like one for a while).

And from it I learned some “local” words that quite frankly were not ones that I had ever heard before and specifically: gollybills and poot. I thought min pin was another but that was just me and not really a southern phrase which I will explain a little later. Gollybills is a term that is really more of an Old South term that you would start a sentence with way back in the day sort of like “Gollybills, it sure is hot enough out thar today to fry an egg on the old tin roof”. It could be a little like gee whiz, shucks or even shoot.

Now the definition of poot was one that still makes me laugh so hard that I snort at the end of it to catch my breath. (I can’t ever remember doing that before but maybe that is just more southern stuff rubbing off on me). I thought she was saying toot (like toot your horn) because we were talking about a term that a gal in the south might use in reference to expelling excessive bodily gas in a polite and controlled manner. So try to follow this one as she starts to explain it:

…NO ?OOT
…?AYYYY, OHHHH, OHHHHH, TAYYYYYY

The reason for the question mark is no matter how she tried to simplify it the drawl still masked the “P” sound (for me) until she used something like “PAAAY as in Peter” (and no she does not sound like that really. I just use this for exaggeration). I honestly had never heard of the word until I googled it and found some descriptions in the urban dictionary via google and confirmed that this was indeed the word she meant.

I think the explanation approach she used is something that is truly much more American in nature, that when one of them has trouble speaking to someone else who does not speak their version of English (‘Merican), they talk both louder and slower as if that is going to correct the communication problem. I first saw that in action in a ski trip to Italy, back in the day, and just kind of scratched my head on that one. I did speak a little Italian (due to my neighbourhood and one year of study) and so I sort of acted like a bad interpreter and I got big smiles from the local folks for trying my best to talk them in their language.

I mistakenly misunderstood min pin as a southern phrase but it is, in fact, a term for the breed of dog that she owns and so lovingly cares for—aka miniature pinscher. I got introduced to a very insightful website on dogs via googling “miniature pinscher”.

http://www.dogbreedinfo.com/miniaturepinscher.htm

If it truly has rules, boundaries, limitations, a true pack leader and a daily pack walk, it will be a wonderful family companion.

I plan to read through that website in greater detail to understand my friend’s other dialect and that is related to canine obedience training which she is now pursuing as a career. And so I think I will try to write a few stories relating to dog behaviour and training because it is clear to me that bad dog behaviour is pretty much the result of a bad owner and not a bad dog.

The best thing about learning a new language is it is a lot of fun and most definitely leads to a clearer understanding between two people which is a pretty good thing if you like to talk as much as I do.

And the drawl will rub off on you much like when I went to the local grocery store and greeted my favourite cashier on check out with “how-y’all-doin-taday” and she looks at me with a smile and says “You’ve been talking to your friend in Alabama haven’t you?”. And I smile back and just say “Yes, mam” and we both kind of laugh and wish each other a genuine “Have a nice day” or “You too”.

It all really just contributes to making the world a little better place and we can all use a lot more of that, for sure.

A Hurricane is like the Human Psyche

Inside the eye of Katrina

You might even consider it to be more like the makeup of the human soul than just the psyche. It happens to be that season in the Gulf of Mexico and it seems that small hurricane sightings appear on an almost daily basis in central Alabama, well at least for me. I have learned that a hurricane has significantly more impact than just a simple breath of fresh air. It is much more powerful and has the potential for great destruction if its force is not dissipated before it comes into contact with land.

A hurricane builds up its strength mostly over water which is much like the human psyche being deprived of meaningful exposure to others that helps dissipate the built up energy (frustration and even anger in the human version). If a hurricane does not find a way to dissipate its building strength, it lashes out at whatever is in its unpredictable path of destruction. Katrina is an example of just how devastating one can be even though it was only a Force 3 version when it reached land. And so too can the human soul lash out if proper attention is not paid to what nourishes it. Much like the powerful force of nature, the human hurricane can be somewhat tamed by it releasing its forces over water (the absence of a lot of people) if it comes into contact with a calming force which a large mass of water can also be. Travelling over a long distance can also have this same calming effect.

The human version of a hurricane responds much better to suggestion than commands. In fact, a command is often a trigger for rebellion and sends it in a much uncontrolled direction that catches the unwary very much off-guard. And if the human version meets up with another hurricane, the combined forces can result in more than the sum of the two parts, especially if the second hurricane is also fraught with frustration and anger. Beware the land mass (a large group of people) that lies in their wake.

One curious thing that I noticed about the aftermath of the forces of a dissipating hurricane was far removed from the start of a major one (maybe Katrina or Ike) while working at a golf course in southern Ontario. As a hurricane releases its might across land, it leaves an area of bright sunshine, virtually no wind, fresh air, comfortable temperatures and generally a massive high pressure zone (similar to the eye of the storm with the exception of the high pressure since the eye is actually very low pressure). In fact, if you look at a radar map you are hard pressed to find anything but a huge high pressure zone left in the wake of the storm (a natural high). You might even call it heavenly or blissful and it lasts for several days.

I am reminded of a song by my all-time favourite female singer with her group, Gladys Knight & The Pips from the Imagination album which was easily one of my favourite albums of all-time as well. The song was simply called Storms of Troubled Times and talks very well to how one human being can support another. “…take my umbrella; it will shelter you from the rain…”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3WxrTgqLd8E

…Gladys you just sing your heart out, girl
…I had the good fortune of seeing her perform live and every song started out with goose bumps running up and down my neck, head and back
…she sang from her toes!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XEwE1R5Fhco

This happens to be a 46 minute video of a 1977 concert of them performing in Los Angeles and, despite the poor quality of the day and the sometimes too-fast stage production tempo; it captures them in all their glory. “The Way We Were” seems to capture Gladys releasing her very own hurricane (on her 4^th marriage) in a beautifully controlled manner. The Ray Charles/Gladys Knight duos are worth it all alone. (I see Jamie Foxx in my mind every time I see or hear Ray sing. Jamie did one amazing job of capturing the hurricane in Ray in the great movie simply entitled “Ray” resulting in him getting an Academy Award for Best Actor)

…to Berry Gordy, you chose the wrong diva in my opinion.

Creating Music in an Apartment

I am an old school musician and pretty much prefer the realistic sounds of my youth like the power of the Hammond B3 organ and the sound that only a Steinway piano has like the one in used by Native Instruments to create the so realistic digital versions that they do so well (so well that Steinway does not let them use their name, it seems, since it could possibly cut into sales of that fine instrument).

Living in an apartment pretty much means that one cannot find the space to even begin to set up the equipment and secondly no neighbour would put up with the sound for very long, no matter how good one's chops might be (and mine are so-so). And even just one is more space than one has so having a multitude of these vintage and classic instruments available to play or practice whenever one likes is just amazing and one of the niceties of today's technology.

Add to it the ability to hear them through wonderful sounding and comfortable headphones (Bose are my choice always now) is just another amazing feature of the modern electronic music world. I still play a conventional electric guitar since modern technology can only go so far in recreating that fine instrument. The problem is that the only real interface would be just another guitar so why try and reinvent the wheel here.

The keyboards are another thing since they can recreate the feel of the keys on a controller board and then it is up to the technical wizards to sample the death out of a real instrument to get that sound. It is impossible to get the spacial warmth of playing a piano in just an apartment but when you use the tools available in Native Instruments various collections, well you just can't do much better than that really in such a small physical space like a 1-bedroom apartment.

Now if I can only get past the part of trying to be my own recording engineer, I might actually get some of the stuff I have written recorded since that is all there thanks to Cubase Artist but it is still too much like work yet since it is pretty much the same thing used in the professional studios.

Meanwhile, I have a grand old time just practicing and seeing how the higher quality sound also makes you become a better player at the same time because now you hear the subtle differences that a top quality instrument can bring out in the player and, might I add, at a fraction of the cost of the real thing. My hat is off to the folks at Native Instruments. You continue to outdo yourself in the field of vintage instruments and for others that want even more with new creations that digital can provide, they have those too.

Our School System is Failing Today’s Children

No basketball hoops in sight

The playground apparatus here is just a symbol of how the system has diluted the need for individuals to excel and come out on top of the heap. I think the idea of this toy is to not have them play a competitive game with a possible winner and a possible loser. If a ball goes in over the top it will come out of one of those 3 holes and I guess is supposed to support sharing.

Well the reality in life is that there are winners and losers in everything and sharing is a choice thing and should not be mandatory. We used to play pickup road hockey for hours and the score would be like 125 – 122 when we had to go home for supper and no one cared. We decided how to change the teams up to make it a little fairer and thus we learned how to negotiate on that playing field and no one got upset.

The teaching profession that wants to homogenize the system in such a manner that the cream does not rise to the top is failing the entire future of our culture. But not to worry, those that have the penchant to excel will find a way once they get away from this neutralizing method of teaching. Sadly, the ones that lose out are the average and above average that can learn how to do better with proper coaching. Those that don’t try will always fail and it seems that is OK by these new standards. Those that don’t try still pass today but that teaches them nothing useful.

All I can say is thank you to all my teachers that pushed me to do better because you were right to do that. I hope the Mr. and Mrs. Milktoasts of today’s teaching profession retire soon and make way for a new breed of “Get It Done Better” and “Seek to Excel” because that is doing the student justice.

I Built My Own Website

And it turned out pretty good, in my opinion (but I am really biased, lol).

Using Wix.com and a lot of tricks I learned in past marketing jobs, it turned out to be much easier than I first envisioned. Yes it helps to be computer literate for sure (more than 30 years using various forms of personal computers) and one of my past jobs exposed me to a graphic’s house that is no longer in business, largely due to the fact that you can do so much on a good PC yourself.

One of the tricks I use in graphic design involves the use of my Nikon Coolpix camera and my daily walk throughout the neighbourhood. I take pictures of things that interest me that Mother Nature presents me with on the casual journey and then I go nuts in my copy of Adobe Photoshop that came with my HP computer. It is hard to tell sometimes what the original photo was as shown below with the original shot of cracked asphalt and then the morphed version which I use in some way on each page to tie it all together and add some graphic interest to the pages.

Yes the original became this

Some of the pictures and graphics have mouse overs to the pages within this blog and that is my way of entertaining folks with a sort of “where’s waldo” game to add some more interest. The website is a serious attempt at getting into Internet marketing design and other versions of marketing (such as writing quality copy) as a part-time/full-time endeavour for me.

I even have the unashamed audacity of asking folks to donate (same as here in my blog now) to my quest to help pay for mouse batteries and the start-up costs. Well, you do go out and pay for entertainment and my thoughts are that my site is more entertaining and informative than most (but I am really biased, lol).

No doubt, the site will get revisions and additions and that is the beauty of Internet marketing and publishing. It is not etched in stone like a book, DVD or other hard copy media. It is dynamic and only your imagination creates limitations on what you do.

If you want a website built or need some quality copy for any business need, please feel free to contact me on contact page on the website (keeping it simple really does work).

If you forgot the name, let me be so bold as to remind you here—martelsmarketing.com which is the URL for the full name martels marketing stuff. 

(My last name is Martel, if you haven’t guessed. Yes, I do like to keep it simple).

Dumb Azz Behaviour 102

...it continues.

The following are some of the things that you can use to easily identify a dumb ass in action. A smart person can also lose sight of their senses and perform dumb azz behaviour so do not be so quick to judge others lest you be considered a dumb ass as well. (Did that one myself right at the time of penning this). It is a vicious circle like dumb and dumber and I include myself as a long standing member of that group.

Today I went for my "daily" walk (now 3rd in a row, seems I am a dumb azz for putting those walks off for so long).

Anyways I saw a dumb azz in action making one of those 50 x 16 concrete pads for the driveway. Seems they needed to make a cut in the concrete (expansion joints I figured) using one of those industrial circular saws on steroids with like a 12" or bigger circular blade. So he starts cutting away with no eye protection and no mask over his mouth and nose. I bet he complains that he is short of breath, coughs a lot and at least he didn't have a butt hanging from his mouth. Thankfully, it was a nice breezy day and the cloud of dust was blowing away from my direction while I walked by. I still covered my mouth and nose until I was clear. I ain't no dumb azz as one friend keeps reminding me.

And here are my tax dollars at work locally in a parkette called Cove Lookout. The bench looks sort of appealing but it is set back from the "view" and all you get is iron fencing mostly in your view.

And when you approach the gate to try to get to the actual lookout, you "kent" get there because it is padlocked. 

No doubt, the local neighbours made that happen since this was probably going to be a local hang out for the mischievous young ones in the neighbourhood on warm summer nights. Some dumb azz politician probably agreed to doing this since the land is not that suitable for building a house like the two flanking it on either side. So there goes a good idea gone bad because the politicians didn't bother to think the process through to completion.

...and apparently in Arizona a 39-year old instructor was accidentally killed by a 9-year old student shooting an Uzi machine gun at his shooting range. If you are going to train someone to use firearms properly you do not let that child hold that weapon on her own. It is sort of like trying to teach someone to drive for the first time in a Formula 1 racing car. It seems he was not qualified to teach gun safety and paid the price for his own stupidity and that child will never be the same now. So sad.

Dealing with Fibromyalgia (FMS)

Knowing someone that has this condition caused me to search out WebMD which is my go to source for all things medical that I know very little about. There are also many other sources if you just take the time to google them.

Fibromyalgia syndrome affects the muscles and soft tissue. Symptoms include chronic muscle pain, fatigue, sleep problems, and painful tender points or trigger points, which can be relieved through medications, lifestyle changes and stress management. (Not much point in altering the overview that is in WebMD because it does a very good job of providing a detailed statement of this condition).

It would seem that women are far more prone to Fibromyalgia and studies show that men have seven times the serotonin in the brain than do women. About.com defines serotonin this way.

Serotonin is a naturally occurring chemical in the brain (a neurotransmitter) that is responsible, in part, for regulating brain functions such as mood, appetite, sleep, and memory.

There is no known cure for FMS (Fibromyalgia Syndrome) so things like medication, diet, exercise and supplements like 5-HTP and Melatonin are some of the things that help bring the condition under control. Like most medications, the addition of alcohol into the system is counterproductive and should be avoided.

It seems that regular exercise is indeed one of the most important treatments and is something that all people who have the condition can do in one way or another. WebMD suggests daily walks, stretching, swimming, yoga, tai chi or Pilates as some of the exercise programs that will help with FMS. Studies have shown that exercise does restore neurochemical balance in the body and triggers a positive mental state. With diet it seems to vary from person to person so reading the detailed section on FMS and diet in WebMD is suggested here.

So for me the understanding of FMS tells me to not add to her stress levels and do things like go for a long walk when that opportunity presents itself. The stretching exercises are something I would enjoy too and get benefit from but I think Pilates is not a good choice since I really wouldn't look real good in tights. I also think humour helps since that is known to relieve stress and making someone happy has its own rewards so both get a nice fringe benefit out of that one.

One of the realities of today’s world is we are living longer but that also means that we will also be presented with more medical conditions than our ancestors. Helping others cope with these conditions is all part of this and goes beyond just visiting a doctor who only treats symptoms and does not live close enough to the patients environment to truly understand how that all works together. Support comes in many forms and a wise person supports those in need because their turn will soon come.

If you are unsure of the symptoms of FMS, then keeping the WebMD link for these is very useful to help both parties in knowing what they are; both the person with the condition and the one who does not have it, which helps the latter to understand what the former is going through on a regular basis.

Sometimes the Funniest People are the Saddest

Another Facebook status line that speaks to the truth of the matter. Another said that today is the day that the laughter died, well it certainly feels like that but I think when the pain goes away we will look back at all the joy that Robin gave us and remember him for what he truly was--a comic genius that somehow lost his way.

You are a great loss and promise I will not forget you. Nano, nano.

Just imagine the act now there up in heaven, Robin now gets to play with George (Carlin) and Jonathan (Winters). The laughter will never stop there so the only pain they will feel is in those good hurt rib splitting laughs that one gets when you can't even breathe because you are laughing so hard. I bet they are playing "I can make you split a gut better than you can". I bet they are all really happy there now because they deserve to be so.

Dumb Azz Behaviour 101

The following are some of the things that you can use to easily identify a dumb ass in action. A smart person can also lose sight of their senses and perform dumb azz behaviour so do not be so quick to judge others lest you be considered a dumb ass as well. (Did that one myself right at the time of penning this). It is a vicious circle like dumb and dumber and I include myself as a long standing member of that group.

When using a computer they search incessantly for the ANY key.

When asked to help with making split pea soup, they ask where they can find the pea splitter.

They try to go water skiing on land and use anything remotely close to skis to travel on gravel, grass, pavement, or all of the above while being towed behind a pickup truck, often in heavily populated areas. Dumb asses seem to attract other dumb asses very easily. Must be the wavelength they are on—extremely short with very limited range.

They put their hand on the stove burner to see if it is hot.

They eat food out of the microwave as soon as the tone rings for the timer.

They put their hand inside cages to pet animals that are showing signs of attack.

Never had a cat that looked like that!

They give machines guns to monkeys to watch them play. (That one is on the Internet, prove that you are not a dumb ass and go find it)

They leave animals in locked cars in the daytime in the middle of heat spells.

They leave children in locked cars at anytime. A child is too valuable to leave unattended for any reason.

They try to move a mobile home using two trucks to tow it. Yep that is on the Internet too. They were semi successful in their move.

I would think that this person goes to a store that has an all no-meat meat section probably at a local Walmart maybe. I think the cows and pigs, for example, that saw their last light of sunshine in a slaughterhouse, might think differently about being harmed in the process of preparing the meat for sale at the store. How does someone like this cope with the daily stuff? Maybe you should have paid attention in school when they talked about that stuff instead of checking out the latest chia pet toys from Ronco or whoever sells that junk now, on your cellphone. Amazing that you can actually use one of those.

Most every politician is basically a dumb ass because they can't get a real job and so they get lost in the whole political system and come up with some really dumb ass ideas or statements like the one in the picture below. There is one simple reason they do that because someone pays them to think that way. They are called lobbyists but are also just dumb asses.

Solar and wind energy would be the way to go if it were not for all the dumb asses trying to protect the nonrenewable resource/energy businesses that fund the politicians' campaigns and other stuff. It is all about the money for dumb asses, now ain't it.

Advice for Dumb Asses - 1

This is a lost cause of course, since a dumb ass "never reads nothing" fully and only sees what they want to see. This is the first in a whole series of posts about these idiots designed to direct the frustration we all have with existence of this type of individual in our society. I truly believe that it should be a crime to be a dumb ass and you should serve prison time for such actions.

I decided not to post the picture of Tony Stewart here because the dumb asses would think I was calling Mr. Stewart one. A tragedy in car racing took place last week in which Tony just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time along with the driver that was killed because he wasn't thinking clearly in the aftermath of his current situation and left his disabled car much too early and was now in a very unsafe position.

The subsequent events which happen in just a few blinks of the eye resulted in his death. Because this track is a smaller venue with poor lighting, there will likely be no useful video available to even begin to look at what really transpired. This type of situation used to be resolved in the pits back in the day when I first started watching car racing. The track is not a good place to resolve differences of opinion and one could even say that the actions of the other driver are in the area of being a dumb ass move but I choose not to judge on that since I was not there.

In my opinion, NASCAR and other racing bodies are mostly to blame for this type of incident. There insistence on controlling every aspect of the racing environment has spawned this "good for TV" idea of taking out your frustrations in the public eye right in the middle of the race. Go kick the snot out of each other in the pits like they used to. Your body will heal and produce more snot but a car and a human being is a really bad match. I think NASCAR management are the true Dumb Asses in this situation.

Sadly Tony Stewart, Kevin Ward Jr. and his family are now suffering the consequences of that over controlling approach to sport that is so prevalent nowadays.

Its all about the money now, ain't it.

The Definition of Country

As per usual, this story was triggered by a friend and, in this case, one who lives in Alabama and was raised in Louisiana and also Alabama, out in the country. She is living in a bigger city now and yearns to return to the country which is just a desire to return to her routes. So shortly she will embark on that path in her personal life’s journey.

I think the Hollywood and television stereotypes are largely to blame for corrupting the correct definition of what country truly means. As my friend put it, that is the definition of a “hick”, you know the one with the overalls and the straw in his mouth and “kent hardly spake plain ‘nglish”. So we think that folks who talk with a drawl are all not so bright, and as I have “larned” that is so far from the truth that you might as well be living on the moon, child.

Sign just outside Hicksville

I see country as having the old-fashioned values and living a less stressful life chasing after the next “Bimmer” (aka BMW, a very expensive and show-offy car). True country folks are humanitarians, are warm and kind, friendly, love to have fun and will bite you in the ass if you attack their friends or family. They defend what is valuable to them in the same way that a momma bear protects their young—they will go for your throat if you try to hurt them. That does not mean they all are gun-toting crazy violent people. Every part of society has those. A gun for country folks is a necessary tool used to protect all that is valuable and to hunt for food as well.

I used to be in favour of gun control (for other reasons) but now I have made a complete turnabout on that subject. The Evil Elly’s of this world (crime and gangs) will always find a way to get them no matter how you try to restrict it and gun control laws will only cause friction with those that need those tools for their own self-preservation.

So I have “larned” to have great respect for the values that exist in the culture of being country. For me, an excellent model of that on television is the role that actress Pauley Parrette plays on the immensely successful show, NCIS, named Abby Scuito. Despite the outward trappings of her “Goth” look she is pure country.

The real Tuohy family (well part of them really)

And another terrific example is the portrayal of Leigh Anne Tuohy by the very believable Sandra Bullock in the movie, The Blind Side (she got an Academy Award for Best Actress for that one). The storyline is a semi-biographical description of the development of Michael Oher from a life of despair as a child to that of a successful team player in the NFL, but the real story is the depiction of how country is and not the incorrect “hick” portrayal. Leigh Anne is one mean momma bear in action in that movie and also the warmest, caring loving person on this earth. Blind side is about protecting the spot that a quarterback cannot see but it is more about protecting those spots that the family cannot see and that is what a momma bear does best. The drawl is toned down for us northern dumb asses.

So do your best to cast off the incorrect assumptions of what the world would like you to believe, as I am doing now. They still love you and they have this great ability to forgive if you show them respect. They are not as dumb as a rubber boot. They possess smarts that you cannot even begin to comprehend since most of us are caught up in the wrong value chasing program.  That’s why most of them drive pickup trucks because that vehicle is more well-suited to sharing. You “kent” move the stuff around that the important folks need as well in a car or mini-van, although the latter does work well. My friend considers a car as a secondary vehicle and she has owned some muscle cars that lots of the boys would die for.

The drawl is nothing more than a local dialect and does make it more difficult to communicate meaningfully at times, as I have found out, but it ain't impossible to figure out, also something I have found out for myself. So all you have to do is ask to repeat something or spell it and explain it and off you go into a whole new world of “wow I never thought of it that way” because we both say that now.

Seems some words get shorter, like "I don't know" is now "I dunno" and others get longer like "mushroom" gets an extra syllable and becomes "musharoom" and others gain a new sound like "of course" becomes "of coorsh". It is called lazy speak by some of these nice country folks and is not really lazy at all it is just more comfortable and softer for them like a big old sofa would be.

And the drawl is something that seems to imply that smarts and a large vocabulary are not present there. Nothing could be further from the truth as I recently experienced in a telephone conversation with one just intelligent southern gal. Her vocabulary includes things like quintessential mentor and connotation since she helped me with my thought process on  a topic we had going on. And yes I needed spellchecker for the "q" word. Not what you would expect from a "redneck" country girl at all.

Country folks have patience for those that really try. If you don't "unnerstand" what is going down well then don't be a dumbass and just ask. They will take the time to explain it to you. Watch a momma bear teach her children and you will see that in action.

Country folks are pretty special people so do your best to show them the respect they so richly deserve. They make the world a better place and “Don’t you forget it or I will tar your behind”. That is not a threat, that just shows they have commitment and care enough to get their point across. They often use stronger words than those but you can use your imagination or tick off a southern belle for a proper example of the two-barrel response they will give you.

Redneck has confused the whole issue since Hollywood makes them out to be “hicks” too. The reality is that a true redneck is one and the same with country. It is just a synonym and nothing more and Jeff Foxworthy is an example of a smart man making lots of money out of us dumb booted northern folks with his portrayals of a redneck. He ain’t no dumbass, but his audience sure has a lot of them in it. Recently saw him on a talk show and his drawl was almost completely gone probably due to his work on quiz shows and travel all over the world.

Maybe I should start a line of books like the for Dummies series but these would be like Country for Dumb Asses and How to Handle Yourself in Public for Dumb Asses and kind of use by Foxworthy/Carlin approach to the subject matter.

Hell I might even read that more than once. Never fear, Dumb Asses are trainable. I know I am one of those in that category.

My Knight in Tarnished Armour

What tarnish?

Once again got a terrific trigger (writing idea) from a new friend on the Internet and this one is one half of a very nice couple that lives in Louisiana. (Armour is spelled with a ‘u’ ‘cause I’m Canadian and damn proud of it, lol). As I understand it this is her second marriage and her new hubby is working as a truck driver so he is not at home all the time.

So her new interpretation of how a marriage works successfully revolves around the idea that he earns the money and she takes care of their castle. So since he is her Knight there is a reason she calls it tarnished and that can be interpreted in so many ways. I don’t know all the real reasons, but he could be older, maybe not going to be featured on the cover of GQ, maybe his job is such that he comes home a little tattered, etc. etc. It really doesn’t matter what the real reason is.

What truly matters is she accepts him for what he is and nothing else matters. They truly love each other and we must suffer that in alliance chat in the game because our teeth hurt so badly for all the sugar in the air. Truthfully, we are all just jealous. More couples could learn from this approach to making a successful relationship in life and the divorce courts and lawyers would go broke in the process. If you ain’t got no work, you ain’t gonna’ get paid now are you!!!

Here’s a challenge for you put all those parasitic lawyers out of business. Start by working on your relationship with someone special of the opposite sex. I do take my own advice too. Some work is really worth the reward.

All I can say to the couple in Louisiana is “Good for you”. They got it figured out in time. We are all dead for a very, very long time. Stop wasting valuable time and use it more wisely just like you would with electricity. Maybe turn off the stuff you aren’t using and save it for what is important—the here and now.

my momma said i was born perfect, so im not tarnish

I see that as Southern Pride speaking and it all depends on how you view the definition of tarnish. It can range from minor blemishes to severe surface damage and I think she sees them all as in the first group. As you go through life, it is quite hard to do all things perfectly but working at it all the time gets it real close, reaalllly close.